Monday, June 1, 2009

Heartbroken but Hopeful

First of all, thank you all so much for your love and condolences. I've gotten a lot of calls, comments, and emails. Ryan and I really appreciate your support.

While I expected to be feeling a little better now, I'm finding that actually this may get a little harder before it gets any easier. I think it's because now I'm really starting to feel what life without Porter is like. I've lost a lot of loved ones in my life and I think one of the hardest parts is that life goes on. You get further and further away from that person (or dog) and what was a very realistic image gets cloudier everyday. I don't want to forget the way Porter smelled or how his skin felt so squishy or the way it felt when he rolled in my freshly washed hair. But, I probably will. For now, Porter is everywhere. His hair is still all over the place. Vacuuming and washing the duvet cover will seem very sad to me. His bowl is still out and it kills me every time I see it. I don't know what to do with his harness or collar. I can't get rid of it. Ryan pooper scooped the yard and I was devastated--over poop! But it's still him and it's all I have left. Ugh. This is hard.

So to the hopeful part...

Maizey is finally feeling better. This has been such a hard week for me. First my mama got sick, then Maizey, then Porter, and I still had to be ready for a really difficult exam today. So, Maizey finally feeling better feels like such a treat. It seems to me that Maizey gets stomach flu for about 7 days--most kids are like 2 days--just my luck. It also seems that, against doctors advice, I have to withhold most food from her when she is sick. Just pretty much applesauce, Pedialyte, Jello, and toast. Anyway, Ryan and I couldn't stop smiling and laughing in her presence tonight. She really is such a little comedienne (you like that??). She did this crazy, fake laugh tonight and when she heard me crack up over it she just kept doing it over and over. This girl can bring me joy like I've never felt before.

I've been thinking about another dog. I know it seems really early. I remember when Reggie died (long story), the lady that ran the adoption agency really urged us to get another puppy right away. Although it may seem disrespectful, I think it's a really positive way to heal. Especially because so many good dogs need homes. The dog we adopted soon after Reggie was Porter. My brain says "WAIT!!!! Don't get a dog right now. Life with one dog is SO easy." You never know what you're going to get and it could make life really difficult. But, the hardest part is watching little Lou be lonely. She's always been with another dog. Many of you know that she is a Hurricane Katrina rescue, when they found her she was *literally* embracing another dog (either her daughter or sister)--whom they named Thelma. I'm sure that parting with Thelma was incredibly difficult, and now Porter must seem even more terrible. She's been through so much and I just want her to feel happy and safe. What's the point of putting this off? I am pretty sure we will be getting another dog eventually. I don't know. We'll see. My heart just feels so sad for her.

Sorry my posts are always so long. I'd love feedback about the dog stuff...

Maizey thought for sure we got her her own bed for the family room.

But actually it's Lou Lou's new bed. Doesn't she look sad?

This girl is all personality. This was because she was mad that I took away her berry smoothie from Costco--actually it was supposed to be mine, but everything is hers and she just lets me borrow it or have some.

Her only serious moment all night.

OMG. That's all I can say. OMG.

She looks so grown up. Yes, that is a HUGE pile of laundry in the background, but I've been REALLY busy.
Cuddling with Lou.
Getting all hyped up for PJ on the new Conan show tonight!!
Do other babies get this filthy after eating? Maizey always rubs her head when she eats. It's so annoying/adorable.

A long video, in our messy bedroom, but you get an idea about Maizey's crazy, fake, new laugh! So cute!


e$ said...

LAN-EEE!!! I need the vid...

Jessica Zevely said...

I think you should join the cool club with me and GG and get Juno and Lily's sister!
What do you think about that?

Thinking about you a lot. Love you girlie!

e$ said...

NO!!!!! NO!!!! No wee dogs! No ankle biters. To each their own, but no WEE dogs for Niz's...

You have to get this baby:

That dog will be Moo's best friend - her protector.

Anyway that one "serious" photo of maizey doesn't even look like her!

Beth Zarling said...

I think you should adopt another doggie. OR you can have Lewis. Louise does need a friend. I worry about how my dogs will react when one of them is the last one. If it is Lewis, he will be stoked! If it's Morty, I will find him eating all my medicine in a suicide attempt. Mimi will be in between.
I think you should ADOPT though. There are a lot of doggies out there now who need homes because of people losing theirs. Plus, adopted dogs appreciate you more. And mutts are so cute. Anything mixed with a basset is HILARIOUS looking. Ok, I'll get off my soapbox.
Sorry, Harper doesn't get that messy when she self feeds. She is gifted in many areas.

Georgia said...

1:Great Dane or bust! If you get a great dane i'll be your BFF.
2: I think if you already know you are going to get another dog, the sooner the better. I know how you feel like it sounds like you are trying to "replace" Porter. But the truth is a new dog can bring so much happiness sometimes that's just the right medicine.
3: Darren still gets that messy when he eats..I'm being serious, I usually just feed him because I'm not that great of a parent! He'll be 16 and i swear I still won't let him eat alone.

Ariana said...

Lana, I am soo sorry about Porter. Your letter to him was very bittersweet. You are definitely in my thoughts - from one dog lover to another. I think getting a dog (perhaps a Shih Tzu - lol) would help!

Speedy said...