To My Sweet Porter

Porter~

Saying goodbye to you today was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I remember that the last time I had to say goodbye to a dog was in the 3rd grade, to Charlie, who looked a lot like you. I went to school and I was so upset that my teacher recommended that I write him a letter. I did and I felt much better. So here is my letter to you, my sweet sweet boy.

I'm sorry you were in so much pain today. I can't imagine what it must have felt like to have to fight so hard for every breath. You were so brave. I feel lucky that, until this morning, you were doing so well. I feel lucky that we gave you a lot of treats this morning. I feel lucky that we had so much fun playing in the yard on Thursday. I feel really lucky that, despite what all the vets predicted, you lived for 3 whole years after your chemotherapy. I feel very sorry that we couldn't take you swimming or for walks for the last few months because it was so hard on your body. But, our last walk through the trails and playing in the creek at McCollum Park will be a favorite memory.

You've only been gone a few short hours, and already life feels a little unrecognizable. The silence in the house without you here is deafening. You were such an integral part of this family. I was making a sandwich this afternoon and I was waiting for you to run up to me so that I could give you cheese--maybe your favorite food. I tiptoed into the room where Maizey was sleeping and I didn't hear the thumping of your tail. We took Louise outside to play and the yard felt so empty. Someone rang the doorbell and there was silence--not your protective bark. That someone was delivering flowers to us, because we lost you.

I want you to know that you had the whole vet's office in tears this afternoon. They must have remembered the time that they took you back to cut your nails and it took 5 people to hold you down, and somehow you managed to snap the bra off of one of the techs--you silly boy. I am devastated, and so is daddy. Maizey doesn't know it yet, but she will someday. I am worried about Louise and Allie. They both loved you so much. We are giving Lou some holistic anti-anxiety dog meds, I'm hoping that will help minimize the grief that she already so obviously feels. We're going to get her a new bed today, so she can snuggle up and think about you.

You were such a good dog, Bubba. You brought us so much joy in your short 9 years. I hope that wherever you are right now has lots of cheese. I hope there is a big lake, full of big rocks for you to dig up. I hope that someone is throwing you a stick in the water so many times that you will sleep for days after. I hope that you get to tuck in the snow. I hope there are squirrels and birds to chase. I hope there are houses for you to protect and cars with the windows down for you to stick your head out and smell the air and let your ears flap in the wind.

I miss you so much. I will always miss you. Today, when I came to see you, you were panting so hard. They couldn't do anything to get your airway to reopen. I held your face in my hands and put my head on your head, and for just a moment you relaxed. I know you loved me as much as I loved you. Daddy said that right before you passed away, your breathing got back to normal for about 20seconds and that you peacefully fell asleep in his arms. I'm glad that you are at peace. I love you.

Christmas 2007
Summer 2005 Port Townsend with your best friend Cash. November 2006.Maizey's 1st BirthdayThis morning. Getting all your treats.
Cuddling with Maizey this morning.Maizey being incredibly patient at the vet's office today while daddy was saying goodbye.

I want my babybackbabybackbabyback...

So, you're wondering, where do you want your baby back from? I want her back from the rotavirus. I miss her sweet, silly, and sometimes crazy demeanor. I'm sick of changing devil-diapers--anyone whose had a baby with the rotavirus knows what I mean. I'm so over having the people I love be sick. My mom finished her last day of chemo, we were all so excited, but the very next day we were in the ER, where she was diagnosed with pneumonia. It was a major bummer, but I think she is on the mend now. I also think Maizey is on the mend after a tough 36hours that felt more like 36days. We spent a good five hours in the ER at Children's in the wee hours this morning. Luckily, they weren't very busy. We got back in about 10mins. *Note to self, only go to the ER at 4am, it's never busy! I know this from my personal experience and from the days when I worked in the ER. Also, to all you moms out there. If you live anywhere near to Children's and you ever have to take your child to the ER, go there! It's SOSOSO worth it. Maizey had to get an IV and I can guarantee that it would have been a lot more traumatizing to her if we'd gone anywhere else. They're the best there. It's totally worth the extra 30minute drive! Plus, you can go to Uvillage on the way home--always a plus!! Anyway, after a couple of hours on the IV and getting a catheter (she hadn't really peed in close to 24hours 'cause she was so dehydrated), we went home and Maizey slept most of the day and seemed to perk up tonight. Thank you Jesus. Here are some photos I got of me sad sad girl (I took them on my phone, I wasn't so insensitive that I actually brought my camera to the ER).

Getting ready for the IV. They put warm packs on her to get the veins to vasodilate (are you so impressed with my mad physiology skillz??).

Walking out of the ER. Her face was swollen from screaming/crying so hard. Her stomach was cramping really bad and I've never heard her wail like she did to day. Needless to say, I think I made the doc a little uncomfortable when I started crying with her. Ugh, I could cry just thinking about it!

So, on a happier note. We had a long, fabulous Memorial Day weekend at the cabin in Tahuya with my family (minus the pneumonia)! Maizey and I went to my parents house on Wednesday night, helped my mom buy the entire bath/bedding section of Macy's and ate at the Rainforest Cafe (thank you dad). Maizey loved the cafe, especially the gorillas, which seem like they would frighten most kiddos--I guess she takes after her mama with her love of apes! Then, Thursday morning we headed up to the Cabin with my mom. Ryan stayed home for the weekend to get some stuff done around the house. We had a great time playing with cousin Harper, Maizey went for her first kayak ride, and played on the air mattress in Erika's tent (I called it baby catnip because Maizey got really lovey dovey and silly in there--probably lack of oxygen)! It was in that tent that Maizey started giving kisses for the first time, and it hasn't stopped. She will just go from person to person giving kisses, it's adorable, and a really effective way to spread rotavirus (luckily none of us have come down with it so far)!! Anyway, here are some photos from our cabin adventure (mostly courtesy of auntie).

Rainforest Cafe with Grammy

This giant frog scared her more than anything!The girls in the pool in the backyard at the cabin.


Maizey's first time in the canal. All she wanted to do was eat rocks...


Such a little thing in such a big place.

This is in the tent. Notice my mom in a wool sweater with a wool blanket? It must have been 80degrees in that tent and she was still freezing (because she had a fever). We found out that night that she had pneumonia!

My dad is rad.

Pretty girl, lunching.

Kayaking. I assure you I only took off her life jacket when we were very shallow.

I think I wore this same lifejacket, but I know I was this miserable. Retro. Before they started making life jackets that were comfortable.A wildlife sampling. A bald eagle, a heron, little birds, and seagulls. All right in front of the cabin.

Maizey's favorite thing to do is cross the threshold and go from outside to in and vice versa. It's a little schizophrenic.

Another night, doing the same thing.
She LOVES this little slide in the pool!

Look at those teeth. Big girl.

Little cousin Harper in her yellow hat.
Maizey and auntie. Everyone thinks Maize looks just like auntie.

Stealing food from her little cousin.
Upside down kisses from mama.

Playing in Dry Creek. Actually, I don't think she was playing so much as protesting. It was REALLY cold!

Hanging out in my trunk.

I came home early from the cabin so that we could spend a day doing something fun with daddy. We decided to go to the zoo. We had a really great time, I even ran into a friend from high school (Marcy Chartier) and her daughter! Maizey liked the petting zoo best!

Chickens!

A self-portrait. Maizey looks miserable. She was really tired, and may have been starting to get sick.

She really wanted to break these locks open and free the bunnies. My little future Greenpeace activist.

The goats.

Petting the Kinder goats.

I'm sure I was saying "baaaaaahhhh" in this photo, you just can't see. We spent a lot of time discussing animal noises that day.

I LOVE these panda cows, so did Maizey and Ryan. I want one.

Maizey passed out in daddy's arms. She never does this. Lucky for dad.

Okay, this is probably the least exciting video ever, but the only other one Ryan took was like 2.5mins long and I've been trying to upload it since Monday and I can't, I think it's way too long. It was really cute of Maizey running from goat to goat. You'll just have to watch this and imagine how much better the other video was.

Phew, I'm done. This always takes forever. Maybe I should update more and then my posts would be shorter and quicker to do. I gotta go study now. I was supposed to take a test today, but put it off since Maizey was so sick. Now, I have to take it tomorrow and I haven't studied near enough. Wish me luck!

Oh, and a couple more...

These are my new favorite pics of Maizey! Auntie Erika took them last week.

I just love her little body. This is her teething face, she's getting molars. Poor baby.

She's too cute to look at.

Just to tide you over...

I should be studying, but here are some photos of my sweet girl...

I know that letting her self-feed is important, but it's kind of a messy event.

Just getting started...

During.

After.

She really loves to reorganize the pantry.
Mother's Day 2009

Best part of all.Wearing daddy's shirt.

Visitng Great Gpa and Gma Gebow's memorial bench at Alki with uncle Brion.

Looking fabulous and spring-y today.She was so annoyed that I was taking pics of her, she just wanted me to read to her!

Less than an hour after this photo was taken, darling Maizey fell and landed cheek first onto the corner edge of the coffee table. Now she has a big bruise on her cheek. I cried more than her. I'm such a whimp.